I had always heard and read that you shouldn't try and go through your struggles alone, you should be able to talk to others about them, and just talking about it would help you feel better about it. I never really understood that. I really wanted it, but I didn't feel like I had any friends I could talk to. Luckily, this summer, I met some awesome people and became really good friends with them, and they are the ones that I feel like I can confide in and talk to about anything. And it is a really good feeling, being able to talk about stuff. I really have never had that, and I wonder how different I would be if I did.
Have you ever had those days where you just feel far away from God? Far too often, I wonder why I am here and what I am doing. I feel like I'm wasting my time, because I don't spend enough time with God and doing things for Him.
The Bible says "If anyone wants to be My follower, he must take up his cross and follow Me." And I don't feel like I'm doing that. God calls us to be uncomfortable, to stretch ourselves and do things that we may otherwise not do. And I'm not doing these things. Why not? It's a simple command. Why can't I obey it?
I'm going to be honest: there are a lot of days that I just don't feel like I'm good enough. I make an extremely stupid mistake. Something so stupid that I can't even figure out how I did it. It just happens... more times than I care to admit.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I love music. I love listening to lyrics, instrumentation, and melodies. A good song will almost always brighten my mood. So I thought, why not write some songs of my own? Wouldn't that be awesome? And it would! However, I don't know if it is for me yet. I've been thinking about writing songs a lot, and while I would love to do it, there is one major question: Who is my music glorifying?
Right now, if I was writing songs, I would be concerned about myself. Not God. It's a heart issue. I want to be important. A lot of times, I feel lonely. Unimportant to anyone or anything. I want to matter. I want to make a difference. But what is that difference? Is it a difference in my personal life, or is it a difference for the Kingdom? If I decide to write music, I want to make sure it is for the right reason.
Correcting this heart issue? I can't do it on my own. But I know God can, if it is in His will. If he wants me to write music, it will happen. So I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to pray that he would help me discover His plan for me.
Right now, I don't think I am in a good position for songwriting. While I would LOVE to write music, it wouldn't be about Him, it would be about me. And that's why I'm not going to start writing any songs, not yet. But maybe, someday, it will happen. But whether it happens or not, I know God has a plan for me, and I intend to do whatever I can to follow that plan.